18. APPEARANCE VS REALITY - A Student Questions How Well We Can Ever Truly "Know" Anybody...and What We Can Do, If Anything, To Protect Ourselves From Getting Hurt.

One of the biggest and most important things in life is the people you have around you.  They can impact your everyday life, for good or for worse.  They have the ability to control a lot of things if we let them, sometimes even our future. 

Philosophy has long had a tradition of asking questions about the difference of appearance versus reality and today I want to talk about how people appear to you compared to how they really may be inside.  The most common situation is where someone will be your friend for a while, help you out, but all of a sudden something happens and you realise the person you thought you knew is not actually that person at all!  Perhaps they say they’ve been using you and suddenly shut you out, leaving you completely in the dark, with no way out and no solutions.  You could have a great time with people for months, they never turn their back, stay loyal, and then everything changes.  

This is a very vulnerable position to be in.  Sometimes, people will make you believe you can confide in them.  They will tell you things that have happened to them, maybe something that happened to a close friend or family member, and expect you to feel sorry, which you would.  This would entice you to share some of your experiences, and once you tell them one thing you will tell them almost everything.  We now believe the barrier of privacy has gone, and information can be shared daily.  We fall for it because we think the person understands how we feel.  Part of a human’s nature is to feel sorry for someone, even when we disagree with them or don’t actually feel sorry but can clearly see they are affected so we will try to comfort them.  However, this relates to the point of true knowledge: we could think we know someone for years, but will never have the ability to see inside their head, so should we be on guard?

 In my own experience I had a friend like this but, as time went on, we started to grow apart, other people came in as “new” friends and we lost most of what we had before.  Eventually, a small issue for me led to the end of that friendship, and there was no goodbye, no explanation, just the end.  I felt that person was no longer the person I thought they were.  Perhaps, from their point of view, I was no longer who they thought I had been either?

The one main thing I learned from all this was to be wary of people around you, especially those you will be seeing very often or ones who try to get close to you.  For a long while now I have not trusted almost anyone and tend to keep my distance from those who want to know more about me.  You could be the best of friends for years, but honestly I would always be on guard.  We cannot know if people are what they say and in the end, if they’re not, you are the one who gets hurt.  

 However, there is another major side to this.  How can you be wary of your own parents, partners, children or someone you’ve known all your life?  Even worse, if someone trying to be friends with you knows you are unsure and suspicious about them then what would they say? Surely that has a potential to ruin your relationship as well.

 This takes us to the point where you have to seriously consider those around you.  You should have different types of “barriers” for different people.  For family, only an extremely small one. For me, I feel I know family and very very close people would never go behind me, but unfortunately that is not the case for everyone, and as already mentioned, we may never be able to truly “know”.  I recommend always being open for conversation, but never revealing too much about yourself as that could tell people how to strike and where.  I had a cover teacher recently, and the way he treated us was quite strict but worked well. He said he was showing his good side, and I could tell clearly he liked keeping himself to himself.  This is similar to another type of barrier, where you tell people exactly what they need to know and nothing more.

 This approach has its problems though.  Social connection can lead to romantic relationships sometimes.  The amount of time you spend speaking to someone or with them can affect your relationship massively and keeping someone at arm’s length will make it hard to have those long and important conversations.  Romance also employs the idea of trust.  We probably all know of someone who has been cheated on but thought they were having the best relationship ever.  We have seen the effect of heartbreaks, they can lead people down very dark paths and completely destroy their self-esteem.  On the other hand, finding someone you love deeply can be one the most amazing feelings ever and you think there is never anyone else like them in the world.  You think about them all day and every day.  Romantic relationships are built on trust and knowledge, but if you begin hiding information from your partner this will affect the relationship.  But romantic relationships are also ways for people to get close to you and use you for their needs.  In my opinion, the potential hurt feelings are far too high a price for romance and social connection, because your life and way you act can drastically change if everything goes wrong.

I saw a film a while ago about a boy who had a best friend for years, but because he moved to a different town with new people this meant they no longer had their relationship and became arch-enemies.  The appearance of someone can be the biggest façade ever, and the reality your worst nightmare.  A lot of people are caught up in the general world of appearance, but unfortunately not many of us can see the reality until it’s too late.  As a human we want to get to know other people and have close friends, otherwise we would have boring lives.  One way to get to trust someone is to test them and see if they stab you in the back, but of course if they find out the relationship is potentially ruined anyway.  Another form of social connection is the type of talks we have.  Being serious with someone can make them open up and get close to you, but if you take the mick out of someone every time you see them or just constantly laugh then you will not learn much about them.  However, this can be a positive as you are not revealing too much and not getting close but still having a great relationship, so this could be considered a “good” barrier which can be used for certain people.  I mentioned earlier how new people will come in between a relationship, for good or for bad.  This could be because we are bored of that person, so if we tell them this could end the relationship…or you could let them know and they might even appreciate it.  You could work together on finding ways to save the friendship.  If you both grow apart and do not bring it up with each other, this can cause bad blood between you.  If you tell them that times are different and you want to move on, the “breakup” will come so much easier, rather than unexpectedly.  If there is something you both love but one of you gets bored but still pretends to like it, then of course this will cause tension.  But what if they only do it so the other person doesn’t feel bad?  Again these decisions can go one way or the other.  

 In conclusion, we will never know what people think of us and why they act the way they do, and I think we should not necessarily follow our gut instinct but be wary of it.  We should also take advice of others who know them before getting to know someone.  Always have a barrier, but how small or big you make it is up to you.  I believe you should be relaxed with everyone, be nice, joke occasionally to keep a happy relationship, but always remember if we get too close that what we appear to know about someone may never actually be the reality of who that person is.  

AUTHOR: Anonymous, Secondary School Student, UK